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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming:
"WOW, what a ride !!!"

Nigel Hollingsworth #356

American Historic Mature Women Association
(A.H.R.M.A. sub-chapter #OI 812)

The purpose of AHMWA is to provide an appropriate environment for, and to showcase classic and certain special women between the ages of 40 and 60 years of age.

AHMWA recognizes the difficulty and problems involved in both socially and financially maintaining women of this era.  The following rules and class categories are founded upon the technical advice of experts in the fields of marriage counseling and psychotherapy for both couples and individuals and are intended to provide meaningful and fair competition.

AHMWA also offers a forum for “alternative” types of modern women that otherwise would not receive the exposure they deserve. These include “Sound of Singles”: Women complaining about their present relationship. “Battle of Twins”: Which showcases 29 to 39 year old ladies who show major cleavage, and of course “Sound of Thunder”: 15 to 30 women of any age (as long as they meet AHMWA requirements) stand in a line and berate one man for approximately 20 minutes or until he drops dead from emotional exhaustion, whichever comes first.  This will be done over the Saturday Night Fever sound track.

Basic rules:

Keeping in the “Spirit of Vintage Women”, we encourage the following format.

A. All women must be between the ages of 40 and 60 (Younger women may compete but only in ‘Functions Regularly Monthly’ classes, see details below).

B. Any woman that was between age 18 and 25 during the 1975 to 1982 period must retain high heels, have their hair teased and use no less than one can of hair spray at each event. Period correct perfume and make-up are encouraged. *Synthetics are strictly prohibited and users risk being Black flagged.

Levels of competition:

Novice: This is really for women between the ages from 20 to 29 who have little or no experience in relationships. Marriage is encouraged to compete in this class but not required. A grading committee will speak with your spouse before the event to see what your level of spending and bitching is. 

This is an “FMR” Functions Monthly Regularly” class. At Nationals, FMR women will bitch and moan on a separate day.

Intermediate:  This is for women who have been married for no less than 5 years, and no more than ten.

If you have 3 or more children, have never worked or have credit card dept over $10,000.00, you may be moved to expert. If you are divorced, and have won an “alimony for life” settlement, you will be bumped up to the Expert level.

Experts: You must compete at an Expert level if you have done any or all of the following:

Are presently menopausal, or taking any medication for hormone replacement regardless of age.

Are presently separated for the second time or going through your second divorce.

Bounce checks regularly, or have driven your relationship into the ground financially.

(At the board’s discretion, you may move down to intermediate level if you are presently in debt consolidation)

Have never held a meaningful job while married, and have been married more than 10 years.

Your husband works two jobs or one job more than 40 hours while you sit on your ass watching Oprah.

A.H.M.W.A.  We’re old women shagging in the Dirt!


More from Nigel Hollingsworth and PJ Read


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